when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
