my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
