So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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