My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
