Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
