Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
