I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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