The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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