I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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