On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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