It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
