if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
