I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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