You smell like stripper and shame
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
