then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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