I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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