If that was your dad, he is hot
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
