Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
