: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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