Already got asked if we're dating
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
