uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize