In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
