Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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