Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
