I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
