i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
