youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
