I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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