nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
