I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
