You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
