Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
