Betty ford says i'm here all night
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
