ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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