dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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