Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
