So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
