Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
