so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
