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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
