It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
