I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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