Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
