Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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