I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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