hell yes lets make some ravioli
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
