I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Send help, water and tortillas.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize