i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
