I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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