HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
