Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
