Don't make out with my wife yet
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
