You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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