and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
