and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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