Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize