Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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