you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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