I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
