yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
