she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
