theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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