He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
