I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
