I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize