You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
