You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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